North Star Conference 2023

     Hello, you beautiful humans! I was laying on the couch immersing myself in various streaming services when I had a thought (or a prompting, if you will) to get up and write a post about my experience at the North Star International conference last weekend. I'm learning not to ignore those thoughts so here I am writing about this wondrous experience! For those of you who haven't heard of the North Star organization, it was founded to help members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints who are on a journey to reconcile their sexuality with their faith, as well as providing support for their family members and church leaders. I may not have mentioned in previous posts that I have always struggled in this area of my life. At a young age, I started developing what can be referred to as same-sex attraction, meaning I was more attracted to my friends that were male than those who were girls. I'm going to try to explain the dilemma this caused within me without producing negative assumptions about my faith and religion because these two things have been an anchor in my life. They also caused much suffering as I began to realize years later that my sexuality did not align with what I felt to be true concerning marriage, family and other areas of life. Of course, I didn't start making sense of all the possible consequences of this moral predicament until I was about sixteen years old. By that time, my feelings of isolation, despair and fear were starting to grow significantly. The doctrine of my church teaches that marriage is a sacred union between man and woman and that acting on homosexuality is not pleasing in the eyes of God. I've always felt this to be true so what was I to do about the fact that I was actively homosexual? It was around that time that I started to experiment with drugs and alcohol, and it wasn't until my early 30s that I realized I had started using these substances to numb the sense of dread and shame that had grown inside of me because of these internal conflicts. Thankfully and by the grace of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, I have been in recovery for over three years, and I have been able to get my substance use and sexual addictions under control. 

The north star is beacon of hope for any who are lost.

    Being homosexual is not a sin. I don't believe that God made a mistake with me, although I did believe that for quite some time. Now that I'm older and wiser (😁), I understand that God made me this way for many reasons. I'm still on a path of discovering what these reasons are, but one of them may be to show others how faith can move metaphorical mountains and create so much healing and peace after an age of such despondency. Throughout the years of my addiction and promiscuity, I often felt suicidal and completely hopelessness. Though I never entirely lost my testimony of the Gospel, I felt very far from God and His love, even though I now know He was always there waiting for me to embrace Him. Staying close to God is rather impossible when one is choosing to fill his or her body with toxic substances and partake in acts of debauchery and sin. There were some attempts where I tried to give up these harmful habits, but none of them lasted very long as the shame and fear always once again took the reigns. A miracle happened in January of 2020 that allowed me to begin to have a lasting hope that eventually freed me from a life of deep sadness and anguish. I now have a hope that I can live a life that is pleasing to God and have so much joy, a life free from drugs and casual sex, a life I always dreamed was possible but could never obtain for very long. You may wonder if I'm currently looking for a male partner or now believe that God wants me to marry a man. I'm currently choosing to live a life of celibacy which is more than fine with me after the many years I spent being promiscuous! It's actually quite refreshing though sometimes I do crave intimacy and companionship. I don't know exactly what God has in store for me, and I'm trying to keep an open mind as I do my best to keep His commandments. The two I'm focusing on the most are found in Mark chapter 12:

30 And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment.

31 And the second is like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these.

    Following this counsel the Lord gave during His ministry has transformed me, and has helped me to start making sense of who I really am, a beloved son of God. All other labels like gay, homosexual, and addict are being stripped away, and I'm finding a sweet liberation in knowing that God has a place for me in His kingdom, a place that allows me to share my story so others may find theirs as well. 

    Back to North Star and the conference I attended. Periodically, I have searched for resources to help me make sense of my sexual orientation and religious beliefs. I first heard of North Star International about six years ago, but didn't really start connecting with them until a year ago. They have many Facebook groups that are tailored to individual needs such as men or women with same-sex attraction (or SSA), individuals with gender dysphoria, and the family members and church leaders in their lives. Many of my attempts to tether myself to this community have been half-hearted until I made the decision to attend their conference held in Salt Lake City last weekend. It was sort of a spontaneous decision although I had been toying with the idea for some weeks. My sister and one of her sons who is same-sex attracted had attended a North Star conference a few years ago and had given me so much amazing feedback about it for which I will always be grateful because it was this feedback that really piqued my curiosity about the organization. I finally made the decision to go about a week before the conference was to start which didn't give me much time to find a companion to go with me. The thought of going to an event that could possibly host hundreds of people I didn't know had the capacity to terrify me! It was to be four days filled with socializing, learning and connecting with many individuals, and for those who know me, I can greatly struggle with this. What if I don't make any friends and back out because I am too afraid to go by myself? Am I really strong enough to go to a gathering where I will possibly have a notion to be vulnerable and share things about myself that may humiliate me? These were just a couple of the questions that haunted me the days prior to the conference. Despite the fear and trepidation welling inside of me, I asked for time off work, packed my bags, and made the trip to Salt Lake City.

    Thursday night, there was a social in Murray City Park. I probably would have been to scared to go but fortunately, my brother had decided to travel north, and he attended the social with me! I'm so grateful for him. He was such a source of strength, and I probably wouldn't have gone at all if it weren't for him. Within minutes of being there, we met a sweet soul from the Phoenix area. Stephanie is a single mother with nine beautiful children, three of whom identify as bi-sexual. She was able to go only after a friend in the area had decided not to and gave Stephanie her tickets. She was there looking for the support and valuable knowledge she needs to support her sons. I know that God placed us in each other's paths because she was also a huge source of strength and support during the conference as were able to attend a lot of it together along with other dear friends we made. You know who you are, and I'm so grateful that we were all able to meet in such a beautiful and Christ-like environment. A million thank yous aren't enough to show my gratitude to all of you. 💓🙏

    Throughout the conference, there were various keynote speakers, breakout sessions and musical performances. You can read more about them by clicking here. I had the privilege of listening to so many inspired messages that helped me feel the Spirit of God so strongly. I went to this conference in hopes of finding answers to questions I've had for decades, and I found many of them. What I found more though was a community of individuals filled with so much faith and hope that it was hard to not let it change me in some fundamental way. The time I spent with these beautiful souls is worth more than all of the riches of this world and more. This conference isn't just for those who have SSA, gender dysphoria, or the individuals in their lives, it's a sacred space anyone can be in to find hope, healing and unconditional love. That's what I found there! I'm very excited to attend more of these conferences, and I know that as I do, the path that Heavenly Father has laid for me will become more clear, and I will be given more strength to stay on it. I know longer hold much fear regarding my sexuality, and I have faith that, in time, I will be shown all the reasons why I was made this way. On Sunday, we held a session where anyone could get up and share how this conference and North Star in general has changed their lives. Somehow, I found the courage to share mine, and on top of the, my sister, her husband, and their daughter is non-binary traveled all the way from Caldwell, Idaho, and also shared their experience and connection with SSA and gender dysphoria. So many tears were shed and so much healing was shared. It was a beautifully overwhelming and unforgettable two hours!

    I know that God has a plan for each of us. We are all flawed and have so many weaknesses, but Heavenly Father loves us despite (and especially because of) them. Our weakness can be used as a vital tool for us to give our lives to God so He can mend us, and place in the path's of others who need to be healed and loved. I'm so grateful that I have found the community of North Star International. I'm excited to share my journey with its members and hope that I can help someone heal as I have been healed. If you or someone you know is facing a crisis concerning their sexuality and faith, please connect with North Star. Reach out to me also at comeandrecover@gmail.com. My name is Philip, and I am a grateful son of God who has been blessed with recovery from addiction, confusion, death and sin, and I want to share my experience, strength and hope with you! You can learn more about me by clicking here or visiting my Facebook page. Please take the time to read my other posts, and if you like what you read, please share and follow my blog. My mission is to share my story with as many people as I can in hopes that I can help at least one soul find hope in this fallen world. I love you all and God bless! 

Please enjoy some pictures from my time at the conference last weekend by continuing to scroll down.

Some of the beautiful friends I made at the conference.

We had the honor of watching the Bonner family perform! 

One of my favorites parts of the weekend was 

spending time with my beautiful family.