There is a constant struggle within between the part of me that wants to share my experience and possibly help heal the world just a tiny bit and the part that is ruled by fear and doubt that my feeble attempts will even make a difference. I honestly feel like we are meant to help each other by sharing our experience, strength and hope of finding a better life. So many of us are struggling today from a multitude of pains, and it's easy to feel like one is drowning in a sea of despair. I'd like to think of myself as a life jacket that can save someone lost in the chaotic waves of life, but I so often feel less than adequate and unworthy to take on such a heroic role. It does take a hero to be rescued sometimes, but why can't that hero be you or me? What holds us back from loving so freely and deeply that one just might change the world for another who is suffering? Some of my most joyful memories are those of when I helped someone in great need, expecting nothing in return. When I think of them, my chest burns and I feel so much love from Heavenly Father. They are some of the most precious treasures I have upon this earth. I sometimes wonder if they are so precious to me why are they so hard to come by? One would think I would be toiling day and night to accumulate more of these memories that bring so much bliss. I'm being honest when I say that I don't have all the answers...and I'm beginning to believe that that is totally normal and okay! We're not meant to know everything, and that is at the core of being human.
I hope all of you had a blessed Easter. It's prominence has fluctuated throughout my life, and I feel like I could have devoted more time this year to learning about and reflecting on the Resurrection. Even then, I'm still feeling very blessed today because of this miracle. I often miss my dad. His death almost two years ago was my first real experience with losing a loved one. My knowledge of the Resurrection helps to heal the pain of this loss because I know that I will see him again, along with all of my ancestors on the other side of the veil. They are so full of love for me and eager to help carry my burdens as I do my best to make righteous choices. How awesome it will be when we are able to reunite and live together again because Jesus Christ died for us and rose from the dead. I just now thought of this belief among the Native American cultures, that their ancestors are never really gone, and sometimes not far away. I imagine there are many other cultures that feel the same way, and that's evidence that it may just be true. Everyone has access to an army to help us have victory over our enemies, and I know our ancestors are at the front lines of this powerful force. I often feel them close-by during times of deep trouble, and I'm so grateful for their presence.
I'm so grateful I've done well at journaling throughout my life. I'm eager to share my experiences with others, and it helps to go back through my journals and find the patterns of my life that brought to where I am today. Following is a journal entry from around this time in 2013. I was living in Nampa, Idaho, and going to school at College of Western Idaho. I had been on felony probation for about nine months, and was really doing my best to not go back to prison. It was one of the most difficult times of my life, but also such a rich period of spiritual growth. Learning to rely on the Lord was so crucial during this time because my old life was still clinging to me with such desperation and seduction. Each day I was able to stay sober was only because of my faith in Him. The entry is as follows:
"4/16/2012- Sometimes I think back and wish that it was all a dream. That all of those terrible choices I made didn't really happen. Most days I live in regret, and it's hard to feel hopeful about the future. It's a foolish and dangerous way to live because if I don't accept and learn from my past, I'm doomed to repeat it. I honestly don't know how many times I can start over, I'm running out of fuel. I know what is keeping me from surrendering my will to the Lord's. I know what I need to do. I'm not going to lie to myself or justify bad behavior anymore.
I'm making it a point to complain less, if at all, about the problems in my life that I have caused. I shouldn't complain at all. I have so much to be grateful for! I've done well the past week or so at staying away from bad influences. I still need to work on having better and more positive thoughts, but I'm confident my thoughts will be better as I strive to keep the commandments.
There are only two weeks of school left. I still have As and have worked hard to keep them. I have really enjoyed this semester, and have met some nice friends on the campus. I look forward to the semesters that are to come."
Not many days after I recorded that, I was sent back to prison for violating my probation. I just wasn't able to stay clean at that time in my life. Sobriety was one of the things I wanted most, because I knew that if I could not use drugs, I had a better chance of being free, spiritually and physically. Despite this, I relapsed and would spend the next 14 months participating in an intensive program designed to help offenders with serious drug addictions, facilitated by the Idaho Department of Corrections. It was another very difficult time in my life and another opportunity to learn how to rely on God for the strength I needed to survive it. I really am learning to be grateful for the trials in my life because they really have given me a lot of grit! We all need massive amounts of strength and fortitude to navigate our way through these troubled days. The storms of life will always swirl around us but in the center of each storm lies perfect calm and peace. Find your way there, and I promise you will be anchored to He who will keep you safe and give you rest.
I love you all so much. I really do pray that you can find hope in reading these words. It is my constant prayer that I can help someone who has lost their way to addiction or any other of life's woes. Please remember that you are loved beyond description and always will be by a loving Father and Savior. Sometimes this knowledge is the only thing that keeps me from losing all hope. Know that you are loved and never alone. Reach out to me, Philip, at comeandrecover@gmail.com, if you need someone to talk to. Check out my personal facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/philip.mecham/ to get to know me a bit more. Much love to you, and God bless you all!
Comments
Post a Comment