The Blessings of God's Love

     I have been struggling lately. My depression and anxiety get the best of me, and sometimes it's hard to imagine that I'm doing my best. Failure and hopelessness are constantly nagging at me to give in and give up. On my bad days, I usually wake up and go straight into a panic attack. My first instinct is to stay in bed, which I used to do quite often. Now, I'm at least able to get out of bed, and be somewhat productive on bad days, when in the past, I would just try to sleep as much as I could. Now, when I try to do that, I hear a voice in my head telling me to get up and do something, anything!, whether it's some chores, looking through old photographs, or reading my scriptures and praying. In my past, I've often ignored this voice because that meant I had to be awake and lucid which can be painful when you're experiencing severe depression and anxiety. These days, I do my best to listen, and when I do, I can't deny that I am blessed.

   What are blessings? Some people don't believe that they exist, that we receive the good things in our lives by our own merits. I believe that blessings are gifts from God, and they are given to us as we listen to Him and are willing to receive these gifts. The willingness to receive them is so important! Why would Heavenly Father force a gift upon us that we don't want? Furthermore, why would we not want a gift from a Creator that loves us so deeply and only wants us to have joy? Answering these questions can give us clarification as to why and how we can feel peace and happiness. My recovery from drug addiction has brought countless blessings into my life like health, energy, new friends, and the ability to be a part of my family and community. When I was actively using, I was in very poor health, physically, mentally, and spiritually. I had little hope most of the time and was often suicidal. I often stayed in bed or indoors and didn't have the energy to go out and interact with the world. Making new friends and mingling with my family didn't happen as often as it should have because I didn't want anyone to know how miserable I was. I was ashamed of myself, and wanted to hide that shame from the world. My recovery has made it possible for me to begin feeling like a human being that is able to work hard and support myself and try to provide for other's needs as much as I can.

    Although I'm blessed beyond measure, my life is far from perfect. I still have very bad days, as I'm sure we all do. It's on these days that I listen to that still small voice within to give me the most basic of commands that sound like "Turn off the TV and reach out to someone in need" or "Wash your dishes and take out the trash." On my good days, these things are quite easy to do but not so much on days where my anxiety is winning. Even on challenging days, I listen to God and obey as much as I can, and I often feel a little stronger and more hopeful. It's easy for me to get down on myself and do self-shaming when I have a hard day, like it's all my fault! If only I could try harder and be better and do more! While it's good to always strive to be better, it's important to not shame yourself for having weaknesses. We all have them, and they come in many forms so don't think you're the only one who suffers because of your shortcomings. One great thing about our weaknesses is that God can use them to teach us how to be humble and learn complete reliance on Him. If we can learn to do this, He will one day turn our weakness into strength, Ether 12:27.

    I read through all of my journals lately, and I noticed a pattern. During the times where I was not serving God and was rebelling against Him, I was often severely depressed and anxious. It was hard for me to hold a job, and I was isolating a lot. Following is an entry from 2009. I was living in Salt Lake at the time, and was frequently using drugs and being promiscuous, and I was really struggling to feel any lasting happiness.

    "12/6/2009-I can't keep letting myself down! I used meth again last weekend. I want so badly to never do it again. I think that part of the reason I feel so horrible when I give in is because I just want to be done! What can I do, what steps can I take to ensure that I never do it again? I need to really think about my goals, where I want to go in life every time I'm tempted to do it. There are so many better paths to take that will lead to happiness. I really don't want to end up dying from disease or overdose. Most days seem very bleak, and I often wonder if I'll live to see another day."

    I started using drugs heavily from the time I was in my late teens (2001) until January of 2020. I won't say that I didn't have periods of peace and happiness during those 20 years because I did! I have many happy memories with my family and friends and of going on new adventures. But there are many, many memories of despair, fear, and just wanting to give up and end it all. Those several occasions where I got clean for a few months at a time were some of the best during those two decades, and I will always remember the hope and faith I gained from them. During those months, I was attending church again, praying and reading my scriptures, and doing my best to follow God's commandments. Here is a journal entry I recorded during one of those times in 2013. It was shortly after I was released from an intensive inpatient addiction treatment program I did through the Idaho Department of Corrections. I had over a year of clean time, and I was feeling very well. I had spent a lot of my time growing close to the Lord and learning to rely on Him for strength to make it through the program that lasted almost a year.

    "9/1/2013- These last few weeks have been amazing! I have got to see all of my family and make wonderful memories with them. I prayed very hard that this would come to pass when I was released, and it did!

    I spent Friday in Springdale with Gabbi and Ashley. We went hiking in Zion and tubing down the Virgin River. I spent the weekend before that in Salt Lake at the Red Lion with several members of my family. We toured Temple Square, walked around downtown and rode the TRAX. I have felt so blessed.

    I have made a few stupid decisions lately that have brought spiritual consequences, but I'm not going to give up. It's a promise I've made to the Lord, and I plan on keeping it. I will never give up!"

    If you've ever read The Book of Mormon, you will find the same cycle of the curses that come with wickedness and the blessings that come from obedience to God. The people described in The Book of Mormon experienced great peace in their lands when they followed the voice of the prophets and loved one another, just like I did when I stayed away from drugs and did my best to be a good person and love God. When the people rebelled against Heavenly Father, they were plagued with wars, famine, and disease. When I was willfully rebellious and in active addiction, I also experienced disease along with constant fear, anxiety, and loneliness. Keeping God's commandments and obeying His voice has not brought further imprisonment and restrictions in my life, they have brought more peace and freedom! To some, this may seem like a conundrum, but to me, it's evidence of God's infinite grace and love. He gives them freely to all who are willing to receive these gifts!

    During my incarceration, I came across a book called The Relentless Tenderness of Jesus. I still remember the way this book made me feel. I had lost touch with the love of God in my addiction, but I was now in a setting that provided sobriety and humility, ingredients that I needed to reconnect with His love. It was published in 1986 and authored by Brennan Manning (1934-2013), a Franciscan priest "who lived a faithful life of service to others and to God and shared his intellect and love through the words found in [his] books" (from his biographical summary found on the back cover of the book). I just recently bought this book, and am reading it again. I want to share a part of it with you:

 "I'm not asking: Do you believe in love? That is abstract ideology. Agnostics and atheists can say that. What I am asking is: Can you say with conviction what the apostle John writes in his first letter: "I have come to know and believe in the love God has for me"? The last four words-- "God has for me" -- turn an abstract proposition into a personal relationship. This love is the content of our faith: It is a magnificent summary of all we believe. "The love God has for us" constitutes ultimate meaning and brings the peace and joy the world cannot give (p. 25)."

    There is a lot to unpack from that paragraph! My favorite take-away is that God's love heals us and brings us the hope we need to make it in a world full of hate and fear! I need it to have true and lasting peace, and I hope that each one of you can come to believe that you need it to. If you feel like there is a vast amount of distance between you and God, it can be bridged in a moment. Just think of Him and His Son, and the mere thought of Them can bring Their love into your heart. This love is the "balm of Gilead" that our hearts need to heal from all of the chaos and sorrow that the world can instill in us. Reach out to Them, and reach out ot me if you need to at comeandrecover@gmail.com. My name is Philip, and I am a grateful son of God in recovery from substance use addiction. I love you all and God bless!