Learning to Live Again

Be advised: Some of the content in this post mildly mentions intravenous drug use and may not be appropriate for all readers.

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July 11th, 2011, Caldwell, Idaho

"I'm scared. I'm so tired of being scared. It seems like fear has ruled my life for over a decade. I know what I need to do in order to find peace and that is surrender my will to God's. I've lived in open rebellion for so long, and I'm finding it extremely difficult to change. Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like to go just one day not being afraid. It sounds so nice! 

    I had a session with Kerry today. He gave me an analogy of two paths, one that I'm very used to taking and that I've grown very comfortable with even though it has been fraught with anxiety and fear. The other path, the path of peace, is so unknown to me and much less worn. I need to find things that are enticing about this other road and seek after them. If I start walking the path of peace, it will become more familiar, and the evil path will become overgrown and less appealing. 

    I need to start practicing good habits! When I'm tempted to sin, I need to ask myself why I'm tempted. I must be more conscious of my triggers and what I'm feeling when they hit me. I need to find ways to relax and do something to take my mind off of the trigger. Most importantly, I must rely on the Savior more and put my complete trust in Him. He will take my fear away and lighten my burdens."

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    I wrote that entry soon after I completed my first program through the Idaho Department of Corrections. I would later participate in a second program after violating my probation. These programs were designed to help offenders with addiction issues, and they were offered in minimum security facilities in Idaho. At the time of the entry, I was living with my sister in Caldwell, Idaho. I'm still so grateful to her and her family for taking me in after my release so I could work on getting my feet back on the ground. Little did we know, it would take another 10 years before I finally decided I wanted to change my life. During those 10 years, I would live in various places, and my drug addiction would continue to ravage my life. When I finally decided to start living again, it would take a long time and much faith before I even started feeling normal. 

    Life can get very complicated as we try to cover up, supply and live in any active addiction. I lost count of how many people I harmed and caused a lot of wreckage in my wake, and that wreckage caused so many complications. Legal issues, disease, suicidal thoughts, and many other problems all made it nearly impossible to function like a normal human being. By the time January of 2020 came around, I felt like giving into all of the anxiety and chaos that was surrounding me...instead, I decided I was done with drugs, and it was time to start from square one. I committed to begin the process of clearing up all that wreckage and rebuilding bridges. 

    Coming to this point was not easy!! I lived in active addiction for almost 20 years and had attempted to clean up my life many times, but I hadn't really hit my rock bottom like I did three years ago. Drug use had taken a major toll on my body. My blood pressure was constantly high, my veins were in very poor shape from using drugs intravenously, and I had almost completely lost my will to live. Maddening thoughts were rushing through my mind almost constantly, and the anxiety inside of me felt like it was going to literally kill me somedays. I was barely functioning, and I knew that I either needed to make some major changes or I possibly wouldn't live much longer. I was in constant pain physically, mentally and spiritually, and I just wanted it all to end. 

    By the beginning of 2020, I had been living in Hildale, Utah, for about one year. Before that, I was living in Ogden, and it was there that my addiction really took a turn for the worse. During the two years that I lived in northern Utah, I had gotten to the point where I was injecting meth almost everyday, and that had never been the case since I had started using it around 2001. One day, in early 2019, I called a good friend and asked for help. She was living in the Short Creek area (which is another name for the cities of Hildale, Utah, and Colorado City, AZ), and she told me to get down there. A couple days later, I arrived in Hildale hoping and praying that I was doing the right thing. I was able to stay off meth for about six months before I started using it again. It quickly got to the point where I was injecting meth almost on a daily basis, again! This time was different though because my body began to show symptoms it had never shown before, like the chronic high blood pressure I mentioned earlier. I had also begun to drink heavily and eventually developed colitis and other symptoms of alcoholism. I had never been a major drinker before so this was a whole new complication for me to deal with. 

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January 13th, 2020, Hildale, Utah

    "Mortality has really caught up with me lately. I've been using again, heavily and intravenously. I'm also drinking more than I ever have, and the symptoms of chronic drinking are not pretty. My blood pressure has been elevated for weeks it seems. I finally went to the clinic today to get my blood drawn, and I won't know a whole lot till they get the results. Needless to say, I feel very unwell, and I'm very scared. 

    Sometimes (I wish more often!) I'll have a brief moment of clarity, a glimpse beyond this current chaos into eternity and its stare is hard to ignore. I want to be able to stare right back with little fear as to what it holds for me. I want God to be proud of me. I would have many regrets if I were to die today. I must remember what opened Heaven's door last time was complete honesty and keeping my commitments!"

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    It was soon after I wrote this entry that I really committed to changing my life. I completely stopped using meth and started drinking a lot less. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done, and there were many days where I didn't think I could do it and wanted to give up entirely. It is also one of the most amazing achievements I own, and I fight to keep it everyday. Putting my complete trust in Heavenly Father was the first thing I needed to do. That meant that I devoted my time to Him, and listened to the guidance He would give me through His Spirit. I got so used to obeying right away whenever I felt prompted to pray, read the scriptures or help someone in need. This is something that I still do my best to practice each day. My life had become so desperately insane that I was willing to try anything to become well, and listening to God's commands was one of those things. I learned that as I listened and obeyed, I felt a little better. Sometimes that feeling of happiness or joy was almost imperceptible but I kept on moving forward anyway, and all of those little changes began to add up.

    It's been three years since I wrote that last entry, and I've been blessed beyond measure. I have my own apartment and car, I'm able to work hard and provide for myself, and I'm able to be a part of a great community. It's not always easy, and I still have my days where I curl up on the couch and hide, but those days are becoming fewer and farther between. Yeah, my life isn't perfect, and I have to commit everyday to doing my best and staying away from behaviors that will lead me back to my addiction, and I do it one day, one choice, at a time. 

    Learning to live after being almost dead for so long is a painful process. It can be scary taking a different path, even if you believe it will lead to good things. I'm so glad that I believe there is a Savior for all of us who can help us take the right path, the one that leads back to Him. His arms are always open to receive anyone who walk in His footsteps and live as He did and does. If you're struggling with trying to figure out where to start, reach out to me, Philip, at comeandrecover@gmail.com. You can learn more about me on my Facebook page by clicking here. I'll leave you with this poem I wrote during the second rehabilitation program I did through the Idaho Department of Corrections. It was a place where I found strength and hope that I would one day be delivered from the chains of my addiction.

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Waking Up

A Poem About Recovery

"After all these years of slumbering

My soul is waking up.

Prison walls are falling down,

And dark clouds are breaking up.

After all these years of blindness,

My eyes begin to see.

No longer will the darkness hide

All the beauty that surrounds me.

After all these years of hatred,

My heart now beats again.

Emotions, long forgotten, flood its walls

As love comes pouring in.

After all these years of dying,

I can finally start to live.

I've found the strength to face the world

And give it all I have to give."

by Philip Mecham

Written in February of 2012 

at North Idaho Correctional Institution