Have you ever heard the 12 step phrase, "Keep it simple, stupid?" That thought has been playing through my head a lot lately! I usually don't like using the word "stupid", but this saying has vastly helped me in my recovery so I make an exception. When I start a project, I seem to have very high standards and expectations of how it's all going to come together. It pretty much has to be perfect, or I will procrastinate till kingdom come! My obsession for perfection is what has kept me from making any new posts for a while. I keep thinking that all my posts have to be perfect. Well, I'm over it! I just want my content to be genuine and raw so here goes! I'm 40 years old now, and I'm finally starting to learn that nothing I do will ever be perfect. I wish I would have learned this lesson a long time ago because it would have saved me much time and spared me great sorrow. It's okay that I am not perfect, and it's okay that you aren't! Learning to live with realistic expectations is quite the journey for me so far. I still have a lot of work to do with this skill but, so far, what I have learned has been amazing and eye-opening. Regret from my past mistakes is slowly seeping away, and I'm beginning to see myself through new eyes, the Savior's eyes. He loves us no matter what we do and knowing this drives me to love Him. When I do my best to love the Savior, I live in a way where all of the expectations the world places upon us seem to matter less. Living in the moment, not regretting the past or worrying about the future, is one of the gifts of my recovery, and I hope you believe this gift can also be yours.
I came across this journal entry from January 13th, 2020, and it made me so grateful for where I am in my journey of recovery. This is the month that I really decided to quit using meth, a drug that had plagued for me almost two decades. I was living in another part of town in a small suite; it was maybe 250 square feet. I had my own bathroom with a small ensuite in the main room and a large walk-in closet. It wasn't much, but it was the first time in many years that I had a place of my own where I paid my own rent. I was living very simply and doing that brought so many blessings into my life. I had first moved into it about a year before this and was staying pretty clean for a while until I started using heavily again a few months before the date of this journal entry. It reads as follows:
Sometimes (I wish more often) I'll have a brief moment of clarity, a glimpse beyond this current chaos into eternity, and her stare is hard to ignore. I want to be able to stare right back with little fear of what she holds for me. I want God to be proud of me. I would have many regrets if I were to die today."
It was a very dark time in my life, but it was also a tipping point. It wasn't long after that when I finally decided to start the process of changing. Change is so painful, but it's also good for us. Without it, recovery wouldn't be possible, and I realized that I had to change everything! I had so many bad habits, including excessive negative self-talk, extreme idleness, and the tendency to isolate way too much. The thought of changing would overwhelm me, but I knew that if I didn't change, I probably wouldn't survive very long. I started with simple things, like speaking more kindly about myself. When I found that I didn't want to get out of bed, I asked the Lord what He would have me do, and I did my best to obey. Usually, I was given simple instructions, like "take a shower" or "brush your teeth." Following these little impressions helped me get up and start taking care of myself in very simple ways. Just because these things were simple to do, it doesn't mean I didn't struggle with doing them. Sometimes, I was convinced that if I left my little suite, I would die from an anxiety attack! I put faith over fear, and started doing all of these things regardless of how I felt, and I soon realized that it wasn't going to kill me.
Fast forward to June 12, 2020 (five months later):
"Day two with no drugs or alcohol (side note: I hadn't used meth since the end of January). This hasn't happened very often in the past year or so. I'm actually feeling healthier than I have felt in a very long time. I've been taking supplements and vitamins, and I feel and appear as if I'm transforming into a new creature. My skin has not looked this healthy for as long as I can remember. My hair is thickening, and I just feel so amazingly well despite all the years I have abused my body and soul. And I know Whom to thank.
My life has been a whirlwind of rebellion against God with brief periods where I have tried to obey Him. Through it all, I have never been able to fully deny His existence, and I never will be able to. I can only hope that this time is the time I come unto Him and devote my life to Him. I know only He can help me be successful in my recovery."
I often share with others that it took about six months before I really started reaping the benefits of recovery. It's so important to be patient in the early days of sobriety, because often one will give up before miracles really to start to happen. The human body is amazing in so many ways, and I witnessed firsthand how much it can heal itself. My blood pressure returned to normal over time, the glow came back to my skin, and I finally started feeling a bit of joy! I had almost given up on ever feeling normal again. It took vast amounts of faith and obedience to the promptings of the Spirit for my transformation to even begin. My transformation didn't happen overnight (and the process of change is still ongoing), but all the effort and pain that go into those first months of recovery are worth all the wonderful fruits you will reap down the road. If you find yourself in the throes of addiction, take a moment right now to reach out to Heavenly Father and ask Him what He would have you do, then do it! He will go easy on you, and give you a simple direction that, if followed, will eventually lead you to a place of healing and love.
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| My dad and I in 2020 on an arrowhead hunt. |
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