"They're moving Andrew to Ada County today! 😢 I'm worried about him not being here. It's nice having friends in here, and it's always sad when they move on to another facility or are released. I've had a tendency to attract bullies throughout my life, and I've encountered quite a few since I got locked up. Fortunately, there have been just as many, if not more, guys who are willing to be my friend.
This morning isn't too bad. I'm willing to find hope in a hopeless place, and my will is stronger than it should be. Sometimes I don't feel worthy of the blessings I receive from Heavenly Father, but He continues to bless me anyway. There is no way I could this without Him.
I found a great quote from the A.A. [Alcoholic's Anonymous] book, p. 357, "It is easier to act yourself into a new way of thinking than to think yourself into a new way of acting." This book is full of them. It's time to quit thinking about changing my life and to take some steps in the right direction. I often think about a better future but show little action to achieve one. What can I start doing today that will help me overcome my addictions? Maybe creating this journal is one of those steps towards recovery, on a new and hopeful path.
Some of the stories I hear from the guys are shocking, about people being hired as hitmen, friends getting stabbed and even tales of murder. It's almost unreal, and my heart goes out to them. Crimes like this have been going on since the beginning of mankind, but it's still startling to be told about them face to face. I often think of all the people Jesus associated with, the sinners, and I can picture Him here and involved in these conversations about offenses. He would not turn them away or make them feel unloved, and that's what I try to do. I'm far from perfect and have done many horrible things so who I am to judge them?
I'm learning that it's going to take time to earn back my family's trust. It was a hard realization to come to, and I'm working on accepting it. I can't have instant gratification in this regard because it must be done on their time. I've done and said some terrible things to them, but I'm hoping that time will soften everyone's hearts and we can be close again.
I'm trying not to stress out about my living arrangements post-prison. I'm planning on working at Deseret Industries when I get out. It will be tricky finding a job with my new conviction, but I know that the Lord will provide a way if I am faithful to Him. My bishop in Utah gave me a recommendation to work at the D.I.; they even offer vocational training. I'm so excited to start my life of sobriety "one day at a time." I've already been sober for over three weeks. My last day of using was September 10th, 2010. I'm going to have to be very strong when I'm released, and immediately start attending support meetings. I went to a meeting here last night, and I really enjoyed it."
______________________________________________________
I had been in jail for almost three weeks when I recorded this entry. I was always sad when someone I had grown close to was moved from the block. Fortunately, God placed many more friends in my path, and we were able to give each other support and strength. I remember many of the men I met in jail and prison and still communicate with some of them to this day. A special bond is formed in a place that should be bleak and lonely but isn't so with good friends.
I took the time to read material such as the AA and NA books. They are the literature that Alcoholics and Narcotics Anonymous use in their support groups. I attended many of these meetings in and out of prison, and still do this day from time to time. I mainly like the support group offered by my church called the Addiction Recovery Program. I always feel the Spirit when I attend and leave feeling stronger and more peaceful. There are many support groups out there, and I highly recommend that anyone in recovery find one that works for you.
It's been over 10 years since I wrote that entry, and I feel like I'm finally turning into a more trustworthy person. Addiction took away so many of my morals and standards; I would do anything to get my next fix. These days, I do my best to be honest, no lying, cheating or stealing. I still have a long way to go but the progress I've made with these values has been crucial to my spiritual health and recovery. I know that when I'm not honest, I'm not far from relapsing. It can be downright scary learning how to speak and live by truth! The rewards are so worth it though, and I'm excited to see where my journey takes me in this regard. I'll tell you one thing, my life is much less complicated these days thanks to striving to have integrity.
Worry was constantly nagging me to give it attention. It seemed like there were a million things to worry about at this time in my life (and it can be that way often!), but I really began to practice trusting in God. As time went by behind bars and razor wire, I worried less and less and it truly felt like a miracle to me. I was somewhere that could break a person if they let it, but instead, my faith grew and I felt peace often. One of the things I worried about was finding employment upon release. I did end up working at Deseret Industries for a while but it didn't last due to a relapse. When I put my mind to it and stay clean, I can find good jobs. I have one today that allows me to be independent, and I find that working hard and supporting myself is so good for my recovery. I'm learning to be reliable and self-sustaining. I'm not perfect at it but I try my best each day! Heavenly Father has answered my prayers of finally being able to take care of myself.
I love this quite by Winston Churchill, and I'm trying to live it everyday. I don't always have good days in my recovery, and that's okay! I can always have hope of better times, and when my heart is filled with this hope, it's hard to despair. It is my fervent prayer that you will feel of this hope and know that you are deeply loved and valued.
💖💖💖💓💓💓
Please click on "follow" on the homepage to get updates on new posts!
Comments
Post a Comment