"My back is really starting to hurt from this thin mat I've been sleeping on for the past couple of weeks. Stretching this morning upon waking has helped ease the discomfort. I pray for the strength to be humble and grateful to even have a bed to sleep in. They have me on an anti-anxiety drug called Thorazine, and they just started me on Prozac. It will take a while before it really starts to help. I will have to contact Valley Mental Health when I get out if I wish to stay on psychiatric medication. I'm ready to try anything at this point to help me get my feet on the ground and more emotionally stable.
I'm guessing I'll be in here for another month or so. I have another court date on October 1st where I will plead "guilty" or "not guilty" to my charges. I'm looking forward to get out of the block, even if it's just a short trip to the courthouse. For most of the day, there is constant noise in here. The guys can get quite rowdy, and I do my best to bear with it. I can't wait for the day when I can again have some privacy and peace. Until then, there is a constant prayer for strength in my heart.
I've got a routine going in here that I should be able to follow when I get out like showering daily, regularly brushing my teeth, exercising, and reading. It's amazing to me that I'm able to do all of this without the use of painkillers or meth or cigarettes! I can quit all of those habits that inhibit me from doing the things I want to do! If I can find the strength in here to be grounded and responsible, I can do it out there. It's true though that in here, I don't have a choice to use drugs, and out there, I do. I really need to believe that I can always choose not to. I know that I can do it.
There is a young man in here (he can't be more than 20) who seems like he's already been "institutionalized." He's been sentenced to four years in prison, and it doesn't seem to have phased him. All that he talks about is using drugs and how that will be the first thing he does when he's released. My heart really goes out to him. I pray every night that all of these men will remember who they are and what they are worth in the eyes of Heavenly Father.
Another man, Andrew, has become a friend of mine. We get along very well. He's been in and out of jail on misdemeanors for the past several years. We talk and laugh a lot. It helps to laugh in here as much as you can, it's a natural high for me.
I just called my mom and she was at the hospital. She bumped her shin a week ago and just now her foot is starting to turn black and blue. I'm frightened by the thought that something very dreadful might happen to her or another family member, and I won't be able to be there for them. I miss my family and pray for their safety and protection everyday."
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I first went to jail when I was 19 (2001) on a possession of marijuana charge. The charges were enhanced because I was on government-owned land, and I got 18 months supervised probation. I wasn't able to complete my probation successfully because I couldn't stop using drugs and violating the rules set by it. When I was 20, I was sentenced to 90 days in jail in southern Utah for too many violations. For the next couple of years, I was in and out of jail a few times on things like domestic violence and DUI. Around 2004, I moved to Salt Lake thinking I could start fresh but my addiction only intensified being in a big city. I never caught any charges in Salt Lake but there were many times I could have since I often had illegal drugs on me, and I would drive around during all hours of the night from party to party. Finally, around 2010, I moved again in hopes that this time I could really find a new start. Just days later, I attempted to rob a pharmacy in Caldwell, and after that, I would spend the next couple of years on probation and in different addiction treatment programs offered by the Idaho Department of Corrections. After all I'd been through with a serious drug addiction that had already lasted over 10 years, I have to say that those two years were the most challenging.
When I look back, I'm very grateful for the strength that I was able to glean from my experiences in prison. My life had become so out of control, and it was there that I learned to find humility and be taught by Heavenly Father. He taught me that hope can be find anywhere and at any time in my life. I was in a place that could have very easily broken me and caused me to succumb to the darkness, but that didn't happen. I actually began to thrive after so many years of spiritual and physical atrophy. I was able to learn how to live with less food and less freedom and less privileges. It was in prison where I found a fresh start and a place that could teach me how to live again and to do it simply. Many people in recovery could greatly benefit from learning to live simply. I'm not saying they should go to prison to do it, but it's definitely a concept that should be considered when trying to overcome significant challenges.
At first, I used to feel shame for sharing the fact that I'm a felon and I've been to prison. It's been over 10 years since all of this happened, and now the desire to share and hopefully enlighten others has outgrown any shame I feel. I want others to know that you can sink farther than you can ever imagine yet still have hope that you will again rise above your sorrows and fears. Change is only possible if you believe it's possible. God or your Higher Power isn't willing to give you a gift that you don't believe in so take a chance and have a little faith...it may be just what you need to take a step in the right direction.
I love how God finds us no matter where we are in our journeys ♡ and doesn't ever look down on us the way we look down at ourselves sometimes. Thanks for sharing this piece of your past and share the inspiration with where you're at now ♡
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