September 15th, 2010, Canyon County Detention Center

   September 15th, 2010, Canyon County Detention Center

  "I can't tell if it's getting easier or harder to be in here. Some days are better than others and some of the time it's just terrible. I've been reading the Scriptures and constantly praying for strength. 

    My preliminary hearing is tomorrow. A man from the public defender's office suggested that I waive this hearing, but my gut tells me not to. I feel so lost right now! I'm putting my trust in the Lord. I know that everything will work out the way it's supposed to if I can trust Him.

    I miss my family so much. I constantly think about them and can't wait to feel their hugs again. I'm doing my best to stay strong and let this trial build me up. That's the only way I'll get through this. I need to quit worrying so much about my possessions and things on the outside and focus on keeping my cool in here.

    I have been concentrating on how I'm going to stay out of trouble when I leave here. Obviously, I need serious help. I've wanted my life to be different for so long now, and it's definitely time to change it. The biggest part of me longs to turn to the Gospel to get well. I've been praying for a broken heart and a contrite spirit.

    I just got off the phone with my mom. She gave me some advice for my hearing. I need to get a firm deal from the district attorney before I commit to anything."

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      I feel so many emotions when I read these journal entries from my time being incarcerated. Sometimes it's like I'm almost back in that cell. It was a small cell on a block with about 20 other cells. Because my charge was considered a violent crime, I was put in a high security block where only so many of us were allowed out on the floor during a 24 hour period. I would spend a whole day in my locked cell, and then rotate out to the floor for a day while the other half of the inmates were locked in their cells. Sometimes I preferred being locked in my cell so I wouldn't have to mingle so much with the other inmates (although, after a time, I did make some good friends and cherished the time I spent with them). I could use the time to read the Scriptures and other books and reflect on how I was going to change my life. I spent a lot of my time praying to Heavenly Father, and it was there where I really started to form a strong bond with Him and the Lord. Sometimes we are brought to places like this to learn humility and get a fresh start. It was this thought that really helped me survive this experience.

    

    Waiting for my trial was one of the hardest things I've done. Not so much the preliminary hearing as my sentencing, where the judge decided what the penalty would be for the crime I committed (at this point, that was still a few months away). Each of the hearings were hard enough though since I had to be transported outside the block in shackles and chains. I should have been utterly humiliated but God went with me to each of my hearings, and I felt more comfort than shame. 

    

    At this point in my life, I had already been using hard drugs for about 14 years. It started out with smoking marijuana and drinking alcohol when I was about 16 to using meth and abusing painkillers as often as I could starting in my early twenties. Addiction changed me. My first priority most days was to find my next fix and get high. I racked up thousands of dollars in hospital bills from "doctor shopping", a technique an addict uses to get narcotic painkillers. I would go to the ER and fake pain which worked a lot of the time. There were times when the doctors were smart enough to not prescribe anything. I was also using meth often and being promiscuous on top of that. I could barely hold my life together and often relied on others to do it for me. By the time I got to this jail cell in Canyon County Detention Center, addiction had almost utterly defeated me. It was here where I finally started realizing how much my life needed to change. It wouldn't be till several years later when I finally got serious about my recovery but jail gave me the opportunity and much time to reflect and build my relationship with my Higher Power, Jesus Christ. 

   

 God loves us so much that He will give us every opportunity to come unto Him. He is so merciful and loving and patient. His arms are always extended, waiting to embrace us with His love. He is doing that for me now, and I will be eternally grateful. I am freeing myself from the chains of addiction after so many years of chaos, pain and torment. He is doing it for me, and He can do it for you.