September 9th, 2010, Canyon County Detention Center

    September 9th, 2010, Canyon County Detention Center

  "The mornings are the hardest in here. The fluorescent lights come on at 6:30 AM and instantly remind me of where I am. It's hard not to feel a pit in my stomach, but I always say a quick prayer for strength that is usually answered with a feeling of peace. They bring us our oatmeal, toast, milk and fruit at about 7:00 AM. The food here isn't too bad. Thankfully, I've never been a picky eater.  Sometimes everyone goes back to sleep and the block is quite peaceful...sometimes they don't, and the guys begin their day of card playing and watching sports. 

    It's hard being a sensitive and emotional guy in a place like this. I feel like I have to hide who I really am so I don't draw any of the wrong attention. There are men in here that allow me to be myself without labeling me as weak but there are others who will take advantage if I don't put on a certain face. I miss human contact, hugs and kisses. I'm grateful for the friends I've made. They help me feel safe. 

    By the way, I'm in jail. I guess I should mention that for the record. The details are still too painful to write, but I'm sure I won't be forgetting them anytime soon and I'll be able to record them at a later time."

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It's hard to believe that it's been 12 years since I recorded this journal entry! I've always kept journals, and I thought it would be important to keep one during my incarceration. I remember how much it helped me to cope during such a trying time in my life. Just a few days before I wrote this, I was charged with attempted robbery. My pill addiction had become so bad that in 2011 I tried to rob a pharmacy. It took me a long time to forgive myself for this and to realize that my life wasn't over just because I was a convicted felon. 

    Many people in active addiction will spend time in jail or prison, and it can be very hard to break the cycle of going back. I was "in the system" for about 15 years. That's most of my adult life! Most of that time was spent on probation and about three years was spent serving time. After so long, it can be hard to believe that you will ever be free but you can! All it takes is a little bit of hope. Hope is a powerful feeling, and not a thing of whimsy like some people may think. One of my favorite quotes from Lord of the Rings: Rings of Power is by Gil-Galad:

"Hope is never mere, even when it is meager. When all other senses sleep, the eye of hope is first to awaken, last to shut."

    Even though my journey of recovery didn't start until nine years after I recorded this entry, it was in this place, a jail cell, that I started understanding the importance of hope. I learned what it was like to rely on the Savior to help me through some of the hardest times in my life. I never lost hope and never will. 💖

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